I remember talking with a friend over the phone earlier this year (maybe about 9 months ago) and I was telling him that I wanted to be a woman after God’s heart, like King David. I said, “I don’t want guys to pursue me and I don’t want to pursue guys, I just want to be after God’s heart.” I was proud and boastful in my speaking. I had said this comfortably knowing that I had one, possibly two pursuers pining over me. Distractions, I thought to myself, I don’t need them. If these men weren’t after me, I could focus more on God instead of them. Maybe so, but little did I know that God was going to test my prideful attitude later.
A few weeks ago, on my way to school, the Holy Spirit had me recall this conversation with my friend and He said to me, “I’m having you remember the time that you wanted to be a woman after God’s own heart. Do you remember those prayer requests? Edmee, have you been after My heart?” Grief and sorrow came over me. All Summer, I had been pining is despair over a man’s lost love and I had not sought after God’s heart like I had claimed that I would.
I then remembered again in the late Spring when God had told me, “Your friend will no longer show you that love, but I will.” Those were words I was not ready to hear at that time, and I rejected them. I rejected Him. (read more on this story from previous post: One-on-One)
I know… these thoughts all seem like random bits and pieces, but they connect the dots to a larger picture. And in reflection, I thought about the similarity of my story with Peter’s denial of Jesus. Peter was boastful in his attitude, (Matt 26:33-35). Peter denied Jesus, even though he claimed he never would (Matt 26:69-74). Then, Peter wept at realizing his actions, he was broken. Later, God restored Peter (John 21:15-19). So, just as God restored Peter, I too will be restored past my hurt, failure, and despair to keep on for Christ and to show Him how much I love him. That He know that I love Him!