I remember talking with a friend over the phone earlier this year (maybe about 9 months ago) and I was telling him that I wanted to be a woman after God’s heart, like King David. I said, “I don’t want guys to pursue me and I don’t want to pursue guys, I just want to be after God’s heart.” I was proud and boastful in my speaking. I had said this comfortably knowing that I had one, possibly two pursuers pining over me. Distractions, I thought to myself, I don’t need them. If these men weren’t after me, I could focus more on God instead of them. Maybe so, but little did I know that God was going to test my prideful attitude later.
A few weeks ago, on my way to school, the Holy Spirit had me recall this conversation with my friend and He said to me, “I’m having you remember the time that you wanted to be a woman after God’s own heart. Do you remember those prayer requests? Edmee, have you been after My heart?” Grief and sorrow came over me. All Summer, I had been pining is despair over a man’s lost love and I had not sought after God’s heart like I had claimed that I would.
I then remembered again in the late Spring when God had told me, “Your friend will no longer show you that love, but I will.” Those were words I was not ready to hear at that time, and I rejected them. I rejected Him. (read more on this story from previous post: One-on-One)
I know… these thoughts all seem like random bits and pieces, but they connect the dots to a larger picture. And in reflection, I thought about the similarity of my story with Peter’s denial of Jesus. Peter was boastful in his attitude, (Matt 26:33-35). Peter denied Jesus, even though he claimed he never would (Matt 26:69-74). Then, Peter wept at realizing his actions, he was broken. Later, God restored Peter (John 21:15-19). So, just as God restored Peter, I too will be restored past my hurt, failure, and despair to keep on for Christ and to show Him how much I love him. That He know that I love Him!
For the past few months I had been thinking about marriage a lot – and in particular, this one man.
I was still single and in preparation for marriage I thought to myself, I should read books that will give me some insight on men. I’ll start my reading Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldredge. From this book, I’ll discover the heart of a man and I’ll become better equipped in spirit for when my man comes around. I’ll have better understanding and I’ll know how to respond in situations. I even thought, I’ll get this book on audio so that I can go through it quicker and be ready sooner.
I went to iTunes to make my purchase. I signed in, clicked buy now, but was then prompted that I didn’t have enough for my purchase. Okay, I’ll have to fix this tomorrow. I was being delayed but I was still determined I needed to get this book. After all, this was a well-respected Christian book and there’s nothing wrong with me wanting to get it.
Shortly after being delayed I heard God’s voice within me say, “I don’t want you reading about the heart of men, I want you to read and know about My heart.” Wow, the Holy Spirit was instructing me to pursue God’s heart, not man’s. I didn’t consider my intentions bad, but they were indeed distracting me from focusing on God.
A few weeks later I glanced through the bargain sales at the Christian book store and saw tons of copies of Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman (Eldredge’s companion to “Wild at Heart”), but I did not see one copy of “Wild at Heart.” I guess God was still saying no to the book.
We often get caught up in thinking and wanting our desires met instead of leaving that desire in prayer and focusing on God. I do still desire to meet the man that I will soon call my groom, but right now God is saying Jesus is my groom and He wants me to read and know His heart!
Does this story relate to anything you may be going through or have gone through personally? Are you focusing on the right things beloved?